...and I have been lost for a while. I am trying to find my way back. It's slow. But, I know I can do it. I have done it before. I will probably have to do it again. And, I thought perhaps I should share some of it, some insight; that perhaps someone else out there is feeling like I do, that perhaps my pain can help someone. Isn't that what it's all supposed to be about? Reaching out? Helping and being helped? I hope so.
There's a line from a song that goes..."Most of every day is filled with tired excuses. But it's too hard to say, I wish it were simple"...those words touch me, describe me.
Confused? Sorry. I don't mean to confuse anyone. If there is anyone still following me after, hmmm, 5 weeks? 6? (I did hear from someone who missed me. She left me not only a comment, but sent me an email, and I was very touched) Where was I? Right...no posts. No comments left on anyone's blog. No baking. No pictures. Kind of like I fell off the face of the world. That's what depression does to me. Maybe it does the same to everyone, but I can only speak for myself. And, I struggle with depression.
I have actually struggled with it for years. As far back as I can remember. I am often filled with self-doubt. Feelings of worthlessness. Insecurity. Emptiness. Sadness. Tiredness. I look at my life and all my blessings and berate myself for feeling down. For feeling so empty, so inside of myself. I think about doing something that normally brings me joy and calm, and it seems like too much effort. Too much work. I think, why bother?
I can't get to sleep at night, and then I can't get up in the morning. I'm tired. I hurt all over. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I feel like an impostor. I don't feel anything at all. I am on a roller coaster ride, climbing up and up with feelings of happiness and then plunging down into despair and sadness. I never know when the depression will overwhelm me, when I will begin to feel it's all just too much.
Most of the time I can fake it...I go along day to day, doing what needs to be done, working, cooking, cleaning, interacting with others. But, inside my head, in my heart, there is such emptiness. That's when I feel most like an impostor, most like an actor. Few people know of my struggles. My hubby (poor guy has lived with it for the last almost 20 years), my psychologist ( a wonderful woman I have been seeing for about 8 months now) my doctor (who recently prescribed medication for me) (though after a month on it I haven't seen any improvement). My best friend Linda knew, but she's gone. I have acquaintances, but no real friends. Not like Linda. Not that I feel safe to share how I feel. I am sure no one wants to hear my problems. I am sure that they have better things to do than listen to me whine. When I have a great life. A good husband. Two great kids. A nice home. Work. Food. Clothes. No reason to feel like I do. (If you are reading this and consider yourself my friend, I thank you and beg you not to feel offended. I am just stating how I feel.)
During the day I work alone, cleaning two or three houses. At night, at Starbucks, I work with people I like, people who I laugh with and enjoy working with. But when I get into my car to come home, the emptiness swallows me again. I get home and sit in front of the computer, playing mindless games, then berating myself for not "doing something". Problem is, there is nothing I want to do. I don't want to bake...too much trouble. I don't want to take pictures...nothing interesting to photograph. I don't want to clean my house....too tired. I have an excuse for everything. And nothing.
I am hoping, praying, that the medication I started a month ago will help. I get so tired of feeling this way...like it will never be any different. I have felt this way so much of my life. I used to think it was because I was (am) an alcoholic and drug addict. But, after 23 years of sobriety, and 23 years of still having the same feelings I had when I was using, I realize the drug/alcohol abuse masked the depression. My doctor says the prescription I am on can do wonders for people suffering from depression. She tells me to be patient. That it takes time to take effect. I have dealt with how I feel for all these years...what's a couple more months?
So, I am hoping I am back. I am hoping to get back into those things I love...baking, photography, blogging, life. I am sorry I have not kept up with my baking groups...Tuesdays with Dorie, Have the Cake, Chocolate with Francois...I have missed you all. I am sorry if I have offended anyone with my "confession" here. I mean no harm. I only hope to heal myself. And, perhaps help someone else who might feel like they are alone, that no one feels like they do, that no one would understand...I do. And, I know it's hard. But, I am going to keep hanging in there. Because it will get better. Right?
"I'll mend myself before it gets me...falling down, but I'll rise above this doubt"