Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Hello...it's me...

...and I have been lost for a while. I am trying to find my way back. It's slow. But, I know I can do it. I have done it before. I will probably have to do it again. And, I thought perhaps I should share some of it, some insight;  that perhaps someone else out there is feeling like I do, that perhaps my pain can help someone. Isn't that what it's all supposed to be about? Reaching out? Helping and being helped? I hope so.

There's a line from a song that goes..."Most of every day is filled with tired excuses. But it's too hard to say, I wish it were simple"...those words touch me, describe me.


Confused?  Sorry.  I don't mean to confuse anyone. If there is anyone still following me after, hmmm, 5 weeks? 6? (I did hear from someone who missed me.  She left me not only a comment, but sent me an email, and I was very touched) Where was I? Right...no posts. No comments left on anyone's blog. No baking. No pictures.  Kind of like I fell off the face of the world.  That's what depression does to me. Maybe it does the same to everyone, but I can only speak for myself. And, I struggle with depression.

I have actually struggled with it for years. As far back as I can remember. I am often filled with self-doubt. Feelings of worthlessness. Insecurity. Emptiness. Sadness. Tiredness. I look at my life and all my blessings and berate myself for feeling down. For feeling so empty, so inside of myself. I think about doing something that normally brings me joy and calm, and it seems like too much effort. Too much work. I think, why bother?


I can't get to sleep at night, and then I can't get up in the morning. I'm tired. I hurt all over. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I feel like an impostor. I don't feel anything at all. I am on a roller coaster ride, climbing up and up with feelings of happiness and then plunging down into despair and sadness. I never know when the depression will overwhelm me, when I will begin to feel it's all just too much.

Most of the time I can fake it...I go along day to day, doing what needs to be done, working, cooking, cleaning, interacting with others. But, inside my head, in my heart, there is such emptiness. That's when I feel most like an impostor, most like an actor. Few people know of my struggles. My hubby (poor guy has lived with it for the last almost 20 years), my psychologist ( a wonderful woman I have been seeing for about 8 months now) my doctor (who recently prescribed medication for me) (though after a month on it I haven't seen any improvement). My best friend Linda knew, but she's gone. I have acquaintances, but no real friends. Not like Linda. Not that I feel safe to share how I feel. I am sure no one wants to hear my problems. I am sure that they have better things to do than listen to me whine. When I have a great life. A good husband. Two great kids. A nice home. Work. Food. Clothes. No reason to feel like I do. (If you are reading this and consider yourself my friend, I thank you and beg you not to feel offended. I am just stating how I feel.)

During the day I work alone, cleaning two or three houses. At night, at Starbucks, I work with people I like, people who I laugh with and enjoy working with. But when I get into my car to come home, the emptiness swallows me again. I get home and sit in front of the computer, playing mindless games, then berating myself for not "doing something". Problem is, there is nothing I want to do. I don't want to bake...too much trouble. I don't want to take pictures...nothing interesting to photograph. I don't want to clean my house....too tired. I have an excuse for everything. And nothing.

I am hoping, praying, that the medication I started a month ago will help. I get so tired of feeling this way...like it will never be any different. I have felt this way so much of my life. I used to think it was because I was (am) an alcoholic and drug addict. But, after 23 years of sobriety, and 23 years of still having the same feelings I had when I was using, I realize the drug/alcohol abuse masked the depression. My doctor says the prescription I am on can do wonders for people suffering from depression. She tells me to be patient. That it takes time to take effect. I have dealt with how I feel for all these years...what's a couple more months?

So, I am hoping I am back. I am hoping to get back into those things I love...baking, photography, blogging, life. I am sorry I have not kept up with my baking groups...Tuesdays with Dorie, Have the Cake, Chocolate with Francois...I have missed you all. I am sorry if I have offended anyone with my "confession" here. I mean no harm. I only hope to heal myself. And, perhaps help someone else who might feel like they are alone, that no one feels like they do, that no one would understand...I do. And, I know it's hard. But, I am going to keep hanging in there. Because it will get better. Right?

"I'll mend myself before it gets me...falling down, but I'll rise above this doubt"

21 comments:

  1. Susan,
    Thank You for sharing. I'm sure it was not easy. I wish I could wave my magic wand for you, but each of us must find our own magic. It sounds like you are closing in on it. I pray for your success.
    Mimi

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  2. Susan,
    You have moved me to tears over what I hear that you are feeling and maybe selfishly-tears of relief to not be the "only one". It's usually a blessing to be someone who can carry on, go to work,takecare of your family, have conversations with people that would never indicate the pain we feel inside....other times it seems to make the hurt even worse when we finally remove our "mask". I wonder daily if I simply desrve all of this sadness that I'm feeling...I don't know that I'll ever get to the bottom ofit-its hard to make amends with people who (sincerely) feel they do no wrong. I wonder ho much more I can stsnd...how much more will fall apart.
    Thank you for the gift of not feeling so alaone with this tonight...not that I wish a moment of this on you-I think you get what I mean...~j

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  3. Knowing what is wrong and writing it down is a giant step in the direction to getting your life together. Glad to hear you are seeing someone to talk with about what is happening. They say Rome was not built in a day and neither are we. Life is an evolving lesson. Hang in there because everyone has burn out days. Maybe it is time to take care of Susan before taking care of others. Just my rambling thoughts. Hugs!

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  4. Life has been so crazy with our move and I've been a slacker on visiting all the blogs I love--yours included--or I suppose noticing you haven't blogged. So sorry to hear of your trials. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it helps you. And I really hope you do make it back to the blogging/baking world! I have really enjoyed your blog. Take care of you first though! Sounds like you have a good support group.

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  5. Susan,
    I love that you even shared a bit of your life with us, we often blog about all the good, fun, yummy, things wee up to, and it's easy to forget we are real people and have bad days too, and sharing that is apart of being friends, even if it's through blogs. I wish you nothing but the best, and hope you're feeling better soon. Just remember, this too shall pass....

    Raelynn

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  6. Hugs to you! I have dealt with depression on and off most of my life, but have really struggled with it for the past 3 years since I developed some chronic health problems and I completely relate to how you feel--especially about beating yourself up over being depressed when you have so many blessings in your life. It's hard, it hurts, and so many people don't understand, but you are not a failure for dealing with this and you will come through it! Even though it's the last thing that I want to do, I really feel like trying to change my surroundings when I'm really struggling sometimes helps--just to take a step and take myself out of the house and do something that normally gives me joy. And I love my prozac ;) but it did take a while to get my dosage right and for the effects to level out.

    Just know that you are loved and never be afraid of sharing what is really going on! This is YOUR BLOG and you can write about whatever you please! We will all be here waiting to see what is going on, and to support you through it.

    *HUGS*

    ~Sarah

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  7. Just wanted you to know I've missed you on TWD. I think you are very brave to share. God bless.

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  8. Susan: I've so missed your blogs and have thought about you often! It takes a very courageous person to put themselves out there like you did in the post! I am sure it is so hard not having your best friend there to share things with. Just know you have lots of friends out here in the blogsphere and we all care about you and miss you! You have my email if you ever want to chat!!

    BTW...I started Fondant and Gum Paste classes this week. Love it so far!!! So fun and I think not quite as stressful as making those royal icing flowers!!

    Big Hugs!

    Julie

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  9. It's good to hear from you, Susan! Thanks for sharing what's been going on with you. I suffer from anxiety more than depression, but I understand somewhat what you're going through. You're right, it's not easy, and it's definitely frustrating a lot of the time. I hope that writing some of it out helps and that things get better soon.

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  10. My dear Susan, good for you for being so courageous to write how you feel! I know that it must have felt overwhelming (and risky) but it's the secrets that make us sick, you know? One of the things I find comforting is just when I think I'm the only one that...I find that someone else out there feels/has the same thing. Have you looked for a support group? Sometimes it just helps to have someone to share with so that you feel less alone. Let me know if you'd like to pick a recipe to make together...we could tweet with each other...something simple to ease back into the kitchen since it's something you love to do. I'm on vacation but will be back Weds. night next week.

    Love,
    Leslie

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  11. Susan,

    You are very brave to share with us. Take time for yourself and don't be afraid to write more about what you are feeling.

    x

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  12. Oh, Susan, I'm so sorry...I had no idea you were struggling so much. I wish I could be there in person to hug you, but since I can't, I might have to ask your daughter to give you an extra embrace or two for me next time she sees you.

    I did note your absence, and missed you - and I'm very glad you're back. I hope everything is looking a little brighter these days. I know that you're an amazing woman, and a strong one, and I'm so proud of you for pulling yourself up out of what you were feeling and getting on your feet (and your oven mitts!) again.

    I love you, lady.

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  13. Okay, now I know why you were taking a posting break, and here I thought that after you met the Pioneer Woman, it was all too much and you decided to abandon us all! Okay, that was just to get a giggle out of you. Hugs for you, I wish I had more to give you, but I am always the worst person to give advice, etc. as I have none...I would not be worthy to do anything other than listen, and I know that's not much. I do so love your blog...and learning about new friends is always enjoyable...we are all meant to meet one way or another, and I feel that with cyber friends as well. I have a friend who has suffered from depression for 30 years and I know a little of how that affects her...the word suffering describes it very well. Just share what you want when you can and if you can, and know that all of us want the best for you, want to be here for you, and look forward to your posts. We miss you when you aren't here!

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  14. Oh, Susan, I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. Depression is powerful and frightening. Maybe now you can think that you are not as alone since you have people from all over thinking and praying for you. You bring so much cheer to so many of us bloggers when you come by and leave comments for us. {{hugs}}

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  15. We did miss you. And we are all thinking of you. It is so difficult to deal with Depression when you have few people to lean on. But you know we are all here when you need to talk/vent/rant. Welcome back!!

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  16. I'm so sorry that you are struggling with this, Susan. I missed you, but I've been WAY behind on blog reading and commenting. I'm so sorry I didn't pop in sooner and send you a note. Come back to us when you are ready...we will be waiting. And it's your blog...talk about what ever you want, when ever you need to! Take care of yourself, though!! Be well. :o)

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  17. Hi Susan. I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling so much but I think you're very brave to share it all here. Hang in there - we'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best as you work through this. I've definitely missed you, but take care of yourself, we'll be here when you get back!

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  18. Susan, I have noticed that you were not blogging and missed you. You are strong to share your struggle with us. Thank you. Blessings as you continue on your path. Please take care of you - you are special. Hugs!

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  19. Susan, I have missed you! I'm so sorry to hear what you're going though, but very happy to know that you are getting help. Take care of yourself! Your friends in the blog world are happy to hear from you, whatever you have to say!

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  20. I have missed you. So glad that you are feeling well enough to blog again. I enjoy your beautiful pictures. My prayers are with you.

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  21. I'm very sorry to hear your struggle, Susan. You always seemed so upbeat. I have no doubt that positivity is still in you and that it needs to find a way to come to the surface. Please take good care of yourself!

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